not-quite.org

I want to be invisible. Or rather, I want to not exist but that will be harder to pull off. I’m planning on spending the next few days by myself, offline, away from anyplace where anyone might possibly have even heard of me. The only problem is, I’m expecting to hear back about a job interview so I have to be reachable by phone which kind of foils the whole plan. But, it’s the greater good, apparently, so I gotta buck up and deal with it.

I also have to make it through today which just the thought of is sending me into a panicked state. I’m telling myself to grow up and deal with it but so far that’s not working. Surprisingly. *rolls eyes*

It’s approaching time to start getting ready for my therapy appointment so I should go do that. I’ll probably cry today because I totally have my shit together today. *snorts* Yeah.

Oh, there is a house
A wonderful lover
A satisfied hole
Hope isn’t a word
A sudden said brother
And what do you care?
And I’ll take the pictures
If you stay in bed
I’ll run down the park
If you put up your head

Don’t put up your borderline
Don’t put up your borderline

Oh, there is a house
A wonderful lover
And what do you care?
Four or five years ago
I wouldn’t believe it
I wouldn’t receive it
And I’ll take the stitches
You put in my head
I’ll run down the ark
If you put up your head

Don’t put up your borderline
Don’t put up your borderline

Borderline
Borderline

It feels like I’m going to lose my mind
It feels like I’m going to lose my mind

I won’t lie. At midnight on New Years Eve, I prayed. For a healthier, happier, more prosperous year for myself and all of those that I care about.

Things are not going so well in the ol’ J-land when my credit cards and anything sharp has been taken away. Oh, and when I’m talking about potentially voluntarily committing myself. Ya know, to a mental facility.
Potato and I spent a good while discussing this and basically it comes down to we both don’t like the fact that I am on seven psychiatric medications and that I’m not taken off one when it’s not working. It’s to the point where we’re not sure if the meds are doing more good than harm. I mean, who knows if my hallucinations and other symptoms are because of an actual biological problem or if they are a side effect of a medication or a drug interaction between two or more.

After the cruise, I will start getting things in order to admit myself if it becomes necessary. That means getting a psychiatric advanced directive in place (in addition to a normal advanced directive), talking things over with my therapists and psychiatrist, etc. I will see what they say, I might try attempting to quit all of my meds on my own, but under medical supervision of course. I’m thinking that will be too messy, not pretty, and not something I want my friends and family to have to deal with. Hence the hospitalization option, where I would also be given therapeutic doses of medication to (hopefully) get me back to a functional state relatively quickly. It’s not something I’m looking forward to.

I just know that I am not ok, I want to be ok, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to hurt myself, I want these symptoms gone. I’m miserable and scared. I don’t want to be living like this. But really, I just don’t want to hurt anyone.

Q: What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A: Patience, direction, and money.

Potato: You are a wonderful friend, you help people impulsively
Potato: if that makes you feel stupid, I’m sorry, but it’s still a virtue, and is a great thing

Mikey died this morning. I miss him so bad…

I need to do something but the more I talk about it, the more upset I get. It’s like, the less it gets brought up the better. But of course then I get pissed off that no one is making a big deal about it because it is huge and at least one person should give a shit. There’s never any winning with me. I’m just stuck in my crisis mode, waiting on someone to get back to me so we can keep this thing from progressing any further. Nothing is really getting accomplished unless if you consider avoiding people an accomplishment.

I’m just conflicted about everything. I make no sense. I’m starting to see where they (ie: the people I always made fun of and never understood) are coming from. I feel it’s that way too. Being more specific is not something I can do right now – or maybe ever. I’m still trying to figure out if, how, and when I need to break the news to other people and kicking myself because I know how disappointed they will be. That seems to be the only thing I’ve been good at lately. I’m just a rock star in the realm of disappointment.

In other news, I’m trying to figure out exactly what I should to in regards to my education. There’s a program I’m interested in but I am not interested in taking 18 units in a semester. That’s just not going to happen – especially if I’m expected to maintain a B average. So we’ll see what happens with that. It’s hard to concentrate on anything other than the crisis right now but I have to get this shit in order by the 17th. The crisis has until the 21st so I suppose I should go with the deadline rather than the severity, right? Blah, who knows.

There is just no figuring this shit out.

I have a problem. I have a soft spot of fuzzy critters.

I adopted two baby rats over the weekend. Two of 65 babies that they had within a week. Poor things. (Don’t let your rats breed, you stupid fucks.) I had been thinking about getting more because the dog love of my life is quickly deteriorating and I felt that I needed to have something happy, healthy and new to pick my spirits up.

Mikey… is old. He was totally fine about a month ago. Old age had caught up to him so he was slow but he was happy, still ran around, chased squirrels, bounced around whenever I went to spend time with him. Now I’m lucky if he’ll even look at me when I walk in the door. He’s incontinent as of two weeks ago. Lethargic. Not eating. Occasionally needs to be assisted outside (supporting his hind end while he slowly walks) to go potty and then back in. His liver levels are all out of whack. Something’s eating his red blood cells. The vets are confused. No answers, just symptoms.

I started coming to terms with putting him to sleep since he was showing no signs of happiness – or even awareness of his surroundings. Then the bastard pulled a 180 and was back to his old self for a few days. He’s been fluctuating between the two for the past week or so and it’s terribly draining. I want to do what’s best for him but if he’s still having good days, I’m not sure I can say okay. I just want him to be young again. Young, and healthy, and always happy. And still with me.

Halfway into the Mikey situation, it became clear that the old rats are, in fact, old. So I’m not only looking at losing my dog who I’ve had for my entire adult life, the rough teenage years and who got me through the emotional hells of high school and abuses, but two rats as well. All this looming critter death is depressing. I needed something to liven things up. Something to partially offset the upcoming losses. Is that really so wrong?

In my quest for perfection I have stumbled across the “why don’t you make lists in an effort to procrastinate but really get some things accomplished without realizing it” way of things. It’s fucking brilliant! I’m becoming more efficient as time goes on. I knew that spending so much time with The Russian was a good thing.

Basically it all comes down to is figuring me out in a roundabout way. Some say it’s the more direct approach but I’ve always been the contrary one. I read a lot of blogs (duh) and I came across a post on Chookoolonks about writing your goals down in prophecy form. This post made me wander her site a bit. Some other awesome posts are about finding what you love and “putting love, goals, and journaling together”. These posts have led to some minor research and have landed me at some more great websites with inspirational ideas. All of which is helping me pull my shit together in one way or another.

I have updated my life list over at jakapi as a result of this whole whatever you want to call it. I’ll also be updating with other pages soon.