Gather me up because I am lost
Things are not going so well in the ol’ J-land when my credit cards and anything sharp has been taken away. Oh, and when I’m talking about potentially voluntarily committing myself. Ya know, to a mental facility.
Potato and I spent a good while discussing this and basically it comes down to we both don’t like the fact that I am on seven psychiatric medications and that I’m not taken off one when it’s not working. It’s to the point where we’re not sure if the meds are doing more good than harm. I mean, who knows if my hallucinations and other symptoms are because of an actual biological problem or if they are a side effect of a medication or a drug interaction between two or more.
After the cruise, I will start getting things in order to admit myself if it becomes necessary. That means getting a psychiatric advanced directive in place (in addition to a normal advanced directive), talking things over with my therapists and psychiatrist, etc. I will see what they say, I might try attempting to quit all of my meds on my own, but under medical supervision of course. I’m thinking that will be too messy, not pretty, and not something I want my friends and family to have to deal with. Hence the hospitalization option, where I would also be given therapeutic doses of medication to (hopefully) get me back to a functional state relatively quickly. It’s not something I’m looking forward to.
I just know that I am not ok, I want to be ok, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to hurt myself, I want these symptoms gone. I’m miserable and scared. I don’t want to be living like this. But really, I just don’t want to hurt anyone.