not-quite.org

So you know how I recently changed birth control methods, right? Well the biggest side effect so far is I cry. At everything. I know it might seem like I usually cry at everything but that’s only half of everything. Now it’s like everything and a half. Seriously, I read the following and started to bawl like a fucking beaten baby.

I wish I’d be a tear in your eye to roll down your cheek and end up with your lips but I never wish you’d be a tear in my eye for I would lose you every time I cry.

Oh god. Sometimes I hate having a vagina. I hate having synthetic estrogen screwing with me. I hate being a weepy broad.

But seriously, isn’t that the most beautifully depressing thing you’ve ever read?

Oh god. I’m doing it again. My body is possessed. Help me!

Yesterday morning I was alerted to the fact that one of our friends had used my bath towel (along with Alan’s and N’s) to clean up the flood from his massive shit blocking the toilet. I am still livid about this. If it was just one or two screw ups, I could let it go but there is a whole sequence of events which are totally not ok.

1. Is pissed off at us for “over-reacting”
2. Has not apologized even though he knows we are upset.
3. Does not admit or acknowledge that he has done anything wrong.
4. Did not fully clean up the mess – we had to finish the job.
5. Grabbed items that are used for personal cleanliness in order to clean up the gobs of poop, water, and whatever else was on the floor.
6. Flushed the toilet an additional two or more times without pausing and waiting for the water to go down thus causing the overflow.
7. Saw that the shit wasn’t going down and decided to flush again rather than plunge it (plunger is right next to the toilet).
8. Didn’t flush partway through to be gentle on the older plumbing.

The line of events does not end there, oh no. Apparently he was already pissed off and tired because he had a flat tire and waited for AAA until 4 in the morning. How is this his fault?

9. He called AAA because he’s lazy and thinks that as long as someone else can do, why should he. Then of course he had to wait for what sounds like several hours which could have been completely avoided.
10. He didn’t have a tire iron in his car because he didn’t think he would need it.
11. His tires were under inflated making them more susceptible to popping.

So of course it is not his fault that the toilet overflowed. It is AAA’s fault for not getting there fast enough even though it’s his own laziness which caused the flat tire to begin with. It’s all because of them that he was tired, pissed off, and impatient. Stupid AAA. I guess I should send them the bill, huh? *rolls eyes*

However, I am pleased that Alan is with me on how gross and wrong this whole thing is. He decided (on his own!) to avoid M until he apologizes or at least acknowledges that he screwed up. I wish it didn’t have to come to this put enough is enough. This is the third of fourth time he’s completely violated the bathroom at this house, and like the fifth or sixth (seventh or eighth?) time violating private bathrooms in the past two years alone. Come on kid, it’s waaaaaaaaay past time to grow up, for fucks sake. Accountability. Be a big boy and own up to your mistakes.

ARGH!

Typically I have a difficult time getting myself to leave the house for one reason or another. I don’t have enough money to do anything, such and such is boring, or whatever so Alan has to come up with things for me to do that will interest me. When we were in Vegas, I wanted to go to the zoo. For whatever reason, we were unable to do so which prompted Alan to ask if I wanted to go to the zoo this weekend. I, of course, became excited and showed of my resemblance to kangaroos. Unfortunately, the weather was kind of sucky so we decided to go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium instead.

We first stopped to have lunch and buy a present for his mom for Mother’s Day. While walking to the aquarium, we were stopped by a weird guy who told me he loved my smile as he handed me a sticker that said the same thing. That made my day right there. So Alan wasn’t left out, the guy gave Alan a sticker of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes.

Once inside, we were overcome with the realization that most parents do not give a fuck about their kids or teaching their kids manners, how to be polite, etc. This is really not okay. I have never seen so many obnoxious, unsupervised miscreants. I understand that kids are self-centered creatures and all that jazz but there is a total lack of parenting going on.

On a similar note, after we got back in town there was a small ’80s sedan driving about 45mph with four or five children in the backseat made for three. All of them were obviously not wearing seat belts, they were crawling all over the place, psuhing and wrestling, facing backwards to write on the windows. The two adults in the front seat weren’t even looking back or acknowledging anything going on. I’m sorry, but these kinds of parents I want to smack upside the head, sterilize them, and take all their kids away. You are doing no one – especially YOUR CHILDREN any good.

Back to the aquarium… (and here is where I lost my will to type a summary so I leave you with a link to pictures!

When we got home, apparently all the fish made me want one because I convinced Alan to let me bring home a new Betta. His name is Atlas and is a nice gradient from black to dark blue, to royal blue, to turquoise. He is as flamboyantly gay as a fish can get and he is the best Betta ever, seriously.

So the NuvaRing? I hate it. I haven’t even used it for 24 hours yet and I hate it. It’s not just that it costs me $105, or that it needs to be refrigerated which breaks all sorts of my privacy issues, or that it is uncomfortable no matter how we position the damn thing (yes, we. It is a two person effort). The biggest reason I hate it is because it reminds me of being raped.

Some of you will laugh at that but I’m not using rape as a punchline this time. I’m serious. Using this method of birth control is reminding me what it was like to being raped. It feels like I’m being violated and I keep crying. It is something unwanted inside of me, I don’t like it, and I want it out now.

Earlier in the week, I had asked Alan if he could go stay the night elsewhere so I could have time to myself. This morning, I begged him to stay and to not leave me alone. I feel ridiculous. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I should not be begging my boyfriend to stay because my birth control of all things is reminding me of being raped. I feel totally vulnerable, sensitive, and I am desperate to not be left alone. Alan and I are both disappointed that he had to cancel his plans but I right now I just need to feel safe. I need the flashbacks to go away. I need to be able to think about certain everyday things without having a panic attack. Sometimes I wish I could start my life over and walk out of that house the minute I could take my first step. I probably would have been better off.

Even though the heat is a bit of a bummer, it is a gorgeous day. After working on Ellie’s training which went well, we went to the dog park. The park was completely empty so it was just her and I enjoying the sun, the grass, and the fresh air. It was so peaceful. It was wonderful to spend some one on one time with my puppy. Even though I now have a mild sunburn, I’m still grateful that I decided to take the time to put her needs first because I never would have gone outside to enjoy the day without her.

Job: I didn’t get it. However, she was very impressed with me and will recommend me to anyone looking for someone with my qualifications.

Ellie & dog park: We went to the park and she ended up attacking a dog. This is totally not like her. She has never done this before. She has never shown aggression towards anything before and this really shook me up. I chalked it up to a one time thing but about 20 minutes later she was about to attack another dog so I grabbed her and left the park before anymore damage could be done.

I was meaning to get her on a more rigorous training schedule before so this just bumps up the need for that and more socialization. We will be starting the new routine next week.

HI! How are you? Me? I’m good. Stressed but good. I know, I know. I always say that I’m stressed. It’s true though. Especially today, my lord.

I’m in the holding pattern for a job. I had two interviews with the same company in the past week and am waiting to hear back from them either way. I never know if I should continue the job hunt during this limbo period so I look but only respond to listings that really get my work ethic mojo running. Since so much is riding on getting this job, my anxiety gets a bit out of control so I start avoiding phone calls, instant messages, and e-mails more than normal. The job I interviewed for sounds amazing – an admin thing in the medical field which also does some lobbying in Sacramento. The people I’ve met are super friendly and supportive. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am very excited about it.

I also completely forgot about midterms until late last night and they are this Saturday. I have a bunch of cramming to do – I’ve already had one brain explosion today so I’m taking a break from that before I get back into it. My grades aren’t going to be pretty for this semester but at least I will have gotten through it. Next semester I think I am only going to take one class so that I can focus on getting a good grade. I’ll discuss this with Alan when the time comes to register though.

Possibly TMI: Yesterday I went to the girly doctor for my yearly appointment and to ask some questions about all the chronic yeast infections. It has been determined that my birth control pill was the source of the yeast infections. Since I was on the pill with the lowest amounts of hormones in them, there wasn’t a way to go down to see if I was just on too high of a dosage. My doctor said I could continue taking the pills but that whenever I would get an infection, I would need to take six weeks worth of Diflucan. I would be ok with that but in summer of 2007, I was put on a four week treatment of Diflucan and that is how I ended up in the hospital with major intestinal problems so that was quickly ruled out as a possible option. I was given a few other options so I’m switching to another method of birth control called NuvaRing. I’m not excited about this but it is the only other instantly reversible type of BC so I kind of have to take it. I refuse to get Mirena or other type of IUD because I am allergic to the weirdest things and don’t want to have to deal with a major allergic reaction. I’ve known too many people who have had bad reactions with the Depo Provera shot and they have stronger and healthier immune systems than I do so I am really not ok with that. So NuvaRing it is. I find it funny that NuvaRing has some worse side effects than my anti-psychotics. It’s not really funny but you know what I mean.

What cracks me up in the side effects is this one: Urgent, frequent, burning and/or painful urination, and cannot locate the ring in the vagina (rarely, accidental placement of NuvaRing® into the urinary bladder). That seriously takes some talent. I cannot fathom how some women manages to insert this thing into her bladder. I mean, wow. I thought that was physically impossible. People are so weird.

Ok, I think I’m going to take Ellie to the dog park to burn off some of this excess energy that she has been annoying me with for the past few days and study while she plays. Or something. Yeah.

Edit I’m done. I can’t stop crying.

I have not been in the mood to update primarily because I am at a loss of what to say. Two babies in the blog realm in which I traverse have lost their lives in the past week. While I am not yet a mother, this has affected me in many ways. I will admit that I have cried over these two lives that I did not personally know. I am torn up inside. I’m trying to come up with ways for me to help – not just these families but all the other families who are affected by sick, injured, and dying children of all ages.

Over the past few years, I have lost two (unintentional) pregnancies and know that tremendous feeling of loss and pain but to lose your child… that is something I would never wish upon anyone. I can’t begin to imagine the heartbreak and anguish and I wish there was something I could do for these families. My thoughts are with them and right now, that is all that matters. Updating this blog which four people read… not so much.

Rest in peace sweet, beautiful Madeline and Thalon. You will not be forgotten.

Pictures from Vegas. There is no point trying to sum up the trip in words because the pictures pretty much do it for me.

I will save you some time. This and this are the most talked about events and funnily enough, they both involve my red corset.