There has been talk of me heading off on my own little adventure in the upcoming weeks. For many reasons I need to temporarily get away from everything – including computers, the internet, and even Alan. I know it seems utterly ridiculous for me – the girl with no job, who gets to pretty much sit on her ass all day, to need to leave it all behind. I cannot even begin to describe the stress I’m under from school, relationships, and even myself. Most nights of the past three to four weeks I have cried myself to sleep. I need to get distance to figure out what is really not working. I just hope I’m able to admit it to myself and that I can take the appropriate actions.
Fun completly unrelated note: my therapist hates certain people in my life almost as much as I do. She wants me to bitch about ‘em so that my feelings are FINALLY validated.
The bedroom looks like my book bag vomited books and school supplies all over the place. I am huddled in a corner while violently shaking, salivating all over myself, and muttering, “oh God, the words… THE WORDS!” over and over.
*sighs dramatically* Ok, fine. I would be if I wasn’t medicated. Instead I’m just imperceptibility twitching and avoiding it all because it feels like the left hemisphere of my brain completely deflated. Happy now? It sounded so much better the first time around. You people are such buzzkills.
I had a psychiatry appointment this afternoon. Everything on Teh Crazy™ front has been fairly stable which is good. We’re gonna decrease one of my meds because of some side effects and see how that goes for awhile. If I start becoming a bit more unstable or my anxiety or depression creeps back up, then we’ll up one of the others. It’s always nice to have a plan. I just hope decreasing the one will get rid of or lessen the really unpleasant side effect. It’ll be nice to be rid of it, that’s for sure.
I recently did the Color Revelations thing. The whole thing reminded my of Color Quiz which I’ve taken a few times over the past eight years or so. However, the results from Color Revelations are much more accurate than Color Quiz.
You appreciate the better things of life and you don’t particularly want to strive in order to achieve them. What a pity you were not born into the Gentry with servants, etc. Unfortunately – life is not like that. You have the ability to be whatever it is that you would like to be but you must make the effort.
You ‘need to be needed’. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.
You are not an argumentative sort of person and ‘rather than fight – you’d switch’ (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself – as sometimes you may try to do – you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you ‘feel’ and ‘hurt’ a lot.
You are feeling full of uncertainty and worrying over what you consider as missed opportunities. This is causing considerable stress and tension. You feel that there must be more to life than the constant pressures and anxieties – that surely life must hold far more opportunities than that which it has to date presented to you. You sincerely believe that there must be a simpler way to tap life’s hidden recourses and should you be able to find that way – you could achieve your hearts desire. It’s the not knowing ‘how’ that is affording you the constant worry. You are constantly probing and seeking – trying to ensure that at all times you are on your guard against missing any opportunity. ‘Enough is enough’. You are anxious to avoid further setbacks. You are strenuously trying to make sure that you will not be overlooked and you badly need security.
There is an inherent fear that you may be prevented from achieving the things you want. This activates your subconscious desire for peace of mind and mental security. It is increasingly obvious to you that the environment that you are in is not conducive to your well-being and so you are seeking fresh fields – somewhere free of conflict where you can RELAX and THINK.
- Color Revelations
You should take it – it’ll only take a few minutes. What are your results? Do you think they’re accurate?
There are two things I love (ok, there’s more than that but for this post let’s say there are only two). One, Jennifer Coolidge and two, parodies.
Ever since the 17th episode of the 5th season of Nip/Tuck aired, I’ve been obsessed with watching the Hot Coco (Jennifer Coolidge’s character on Nip/Tuck) video of “Yo Stank” which is a parody of Wendy Ho – “Bitch, I Stole Yo Purse.” I still am laughing, what a month later? My lord, genius shit.
I do have to admit – it isn’t nearly as entertaining as the video I took of myself from the 15th when I was beyond plastered. That, however, is not being put on the internet. Too bad.
There is so much happening right now but I’m too stressed and crazed that I’m not accomplishing much lately. Some people are pissed at me over some of the new personal developments but right now I don’t give a crap. I also noticed last night that for the first time in a looooong time, I have genuine self-esteem. That was a huge deal for me – I’m still giddy about it. Ok, bedtime. Nighters.
I’, real;;y really really drunk right now. Like, more thatn that nut I can;t have full thought that maes sense and oh my god.
Ok, the first movie of 2009 mrthat made me cry? The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas. Hol7y cra- so sad. Second movee I watched last night as Sex Drive which was just ridiculous and yuou could tell the out ome from the first 4 minutes of the movie. Stipid but made me stop crying over the firstl.
This post may give you more information than you ever wanted to know about my inner workings, but since I rarely ever (never?) withhold information, whatever.
I have been bruising way too easily lately in addition to my bruises sticking around for weeks. I’ve had bruises on the tops of my feet for about a month now. I don’t remember what I did to them but they’re still bruised and gross looking. I have probably upwards of twenty bruises in various places all over my body currently – the most painful of which is not only a bruise but also a lump about the size of half my fist on my outer thigh. That was from barely walking into the bathroom sink in my sleep. Awesome, right?
I’m fairly certain that is also tied into my rather amazing bleeding techniques that have been demonstrated over the past few months. For my girly bidness, a super tampon will last 30 minutes if I’m lucky and I have to pair that with a super heavy with wings and optional sunroof pad (roughly quoting Jeremy Hotz) to catch the uh, overflow spillage? I mean seriously, what the hell?
Ever since I started taking one of my anti-crazy pills pills, I have been plagued with some horrible constipation. Like, horrible. I think my the longest amount of time I’ve been without a bowel movement was over two weeks. I’ve talked to my doctors and a bunch of advice nurses but the doctors brush me off and the nurses just schedule me for more appointments with doctors that just brush me off again. They keep saying my body will adjust. You want to know something? It’s been about a year since I started taking that medication. They are still telling me that. On the rare occasion they do really listen to my concerns, they say to just up my intake of fiber, take laxatives, drink more water, etc. I have done all of this to the extreme and back, trying to find a happy medium. I’m about ready to start cracking skulls. My doctors’ reactions are just fucking ridiculous at this point. I want to take a shit, goddammit!
Of course it doesn’t help that when I am able to uh, evacuate Senor Colon my back will frequently flare up to prohibit me from bearing down enough to really get the job done. It’s just all sorts of fucking awesome, really but I’ll leave this issue alone for the most part since I have over the counter anti-inflammatories and… oh wait. Nothing else. That’s right, because I’m a drug hound so now all I’m allowed to get is some group classes on pain management and learning how to breathe through the pain which is what I learned less then three years ago for my knee injury which is still waiting for a more descriptive version of, “oh yeah, that does look weird.”
So now I’m waiting for my appointment to see my primary care doctor so I can hopefully get some new suggestions, treatment options, whatever for the above listed complaints (minus the knee). I just finally got off the difficult patient list from a prolonged incident back in 2003 so I’m hoping I won’t end up back on there. I’m serious, there was a sticker on my chart and everything. Skills, I tell ya. At any rate, it’ll be fun going in, that’s for sure.
I love how people from my past can bring out parts of myself that I thought have long since been dead – especially the good parts. For that, I am grateful.
Is it just me, or do certain things mean more to you coming from certain people?
Take, for example, a compliment of “you are so pretty.” Now, this in itself is a nice compliment. When it comes from your boyfriend, it’s sweet. When it comes from someone else who you aren’t sleeping with or who was not present for your conception, doesn’t it mean a little bit more? Doesn’t it kind of stroke your ego in a way that it doesn’t from someone who you are more familiar with? Or am I just kind of messed up?
(Baby, don’t get mad at me. I love it when you say that I’m pretty. It makes me feel pretty. Yay prettiness!)
I’m burrowed under all my blankets and pillows, curled up next to my dog, in the bedroom with the door locked, praying for Potato to quickly come home. I’m wrapped up in multiple layers of clothes, my makeup streaked across my face, and my cheeks wet with never-ending tears. This is nothing new – I’ve been here many times before. This is the first time however, that I am thinking that it might be time to avoid being who I am in order to stop “encouraging” this crap. How else will it stop? Or will it even stop if I stop being me? I just need to figure out if it is my personality that attracts this or the fact that I am simply a woman. If it’s the latter, everyone who has a vagina is screwed.