not-quite.org

I’m seeing things. Hearing things. Conversing with my hallucinations when things get real bad. I have anxiety all day, every day. The only way to escape it is to sleep but I have severe anxiety about falling asleep. I’m sleeping seriously between 14-20 hours a day (closer to the higher end usually).

Doesn’t help that Potato did a serious fuck up again. That’s just more added stress on me. Trying to figure out the lesser of two evils is never something I’m very good at but let’s just say a dream has been dashed, trust has fallen, and if he does it one more time, I’m going to beat him the fuck up and make his life fall apart. Which he knows.

The good news? I’m being considered for a job I really want which will add some much needed stability to my life, and will give me some distance from my daily stressors. I also start class tomorrow so hopefully that with help as well even though the anxiety from that is overpowering.

edit I should probably also mention that I’m looking into getting a psychiatric service dog or training my own depending on what my research says.

I want to be invisible. Or rather, I want to not exist but that will be harder to pull off. I’m planning on spending the next few days by myself, offline, away from anyplace where anyone might possibly have even heard of me. The only problem is, I’m expecting to hear back about a job interview so I have to be reachable by phone which kind of foils the whole plan. But, it’s the greater good, apparently, so I gotta buck up and deal with it.

I also have to make it through today which just the thought of is sending me into a panicked state. I’m telling myself to grow up and deal with it but so far that’s not working. Surprisingly. *rolls eyes*

It’s approaching time to start getting ready for my therapy appointment so I should go do that. I’ll probably cry today because I totally have my shit together today. *snorts* Yeah.

Job: I didn’t get it. However, she was very impressed with me and will recommend me to anyone looking for someone with my qualifications.

Ellie & dog park: We went to the park and she ended up attacking a dog. This is totally not like her. She has never done this before. She has never shown aggression towards anything before and this really shook me up. I chalked it up to a one time thing but about 20 minutes later she was about to attack another dog so I grabbed her and left the park before anymore damage could be done.

I was meaning to get her on a more rigorous training schedule before so this just bumps up the need for that and more socialization. We will be starting the new routine next week.

HI! How are you? Me? I’m good. Stressed but good. I know, I know. I always say that I’m stressed. It’s true though. Especially today, my lord.

I’m in the holding pattern for a job. I had two interviews with the same company in the past week and am waiting to hear back from them either way. I never know if I should continue the job hunt during this limbo period so I look but only respond to listings that really get my work ethic mojo running. Since so much is riding on getting this job, my anxiety gets a bit out of control so I start avoiding phone calls, instant messages, and e-mails more than normal. The job I interviewed for sounds amazing – an admin thing in the medical field which also does some lobbying in Sacramento. The people I’ve met are super friendly and supportive. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am very excited about it.

I also completely forgot about midterms until late last night and they are this Saturday. I have a bunch of cramming to do – I’ve already had one brain explosion today so I’m taking a break from that before I get back into it. My grades aren’t going to be pretty for this semester but at least I will have gotten through it. Next semester I think I am only going to take one class so that I can focus on getting a good grade. I’ll discuss this with Alan when the time comes to register though.

Possibly TMI: Yesterday I went to the girly doctor for my yearly appointment and to ask some questions about all the chronic yeast infections. It has been determined that my birth control pill was the source of the yeast infections. Since I was on the pill with the lowest amounts of hormones in them, there wasn’t a way to go down to see if I was just on too high of a dosage. My doctor said I could continue taking the pills but that whenever I would get an infection, I would need to take six weeks worth of Diflucan. I would be ok with that but in summer of 2007, I was put on a four week treatment of Diflucan and that is how I ended up in the hospital with major intestinal problems so that was quickly ruled out as a possible option. I was given a few other options so I’m switching to another method of birth control called NuvaRing. I’m not excited about this but it is the only other instantly reversible type of BC so I kind of have to take it. I refuse to get Mirena or other type of IUD because I am allergic to the weirdest things and don’t want to have to deal with a major allergic reaction. I’ve known too many people who have had bad reactions with the Depo Provera shot and they have stronger and healthier immune systems than I do so I am really not ok with that. So NuvaRing it is. I find it funny that NuvaRing has some worse side effects than my anti-psychotics. It’s not really funny but you know what I mean.

What cracks me up in the side effects is this one: Urgent, frequent, burning and/or painful urination, and cannot locate the ring in the vagina (rarely, accidental placement of NuvaRing® into the urinary bladder). That seriously takes some talent. I cannot fathom how some women manages to insert this thing into her bladder. I mean, wow. I thought that was physically impossible. People are so weird.

Ok, I think I’m going to take Ellie to the dog park to burn off some of this excess energy that she has been annoying me with for the past few days and study while she plays. Or something. Yeah.