not-quite.org

Mikey died this morning. I miss him so bad…

I have a problem. I have a soft spot of fuzzy critters.

I adopted two baby rats over the weekend. Two of 65 babies that they had within a week. Poor things. (Don’t let your rats breed, you stupid fucks.) I had been thinking about getting more because the dog love of my life is quickly deteriorating and I felt that I needed to have something happy, healthy and new to pick my spirits up.

Mikey… is old. He was totally fine about a month ago. Old age had caught up to him so he was slow but he was happy, still ran around, chased squirrels, bounced around whenever I went to spend time with him. Now I’m lucky if he’ll even look at me when I walk in the door. He’s incontinent as of two weeks ago. Lethargic. Not eating. Occasionally needs to be assisted outside (supporting his hind end while he slowly walks) to go potty and then back in. His liver levels are all out of whack. Something’s eating his red blood cells. The vets are confused. No answers, just symptoms.

I started coming to terms with putting him to sleep since he was showing no signs of happiness – or even awareness of his surroundings. Then the bastard pulled a 180 and was back to his old self for a few days. He’s been fluctuating between the two for the past week or so and it’s terribly draining. I want to do what’s best for him but if he’s still having good days, I’m not sure I can say okay. I just want him to be young again. Young, and healthy, and always happy. And still with me.

Halfway into the Mikey situation, it became clear that the old rats are, in fact, old. So I’m not only looking at losing my dog who I’ve had for my entire adult life, the rough teenage years and who got me through the emotional hells of high school and abuses, but two rats as well. All this looming critter death is depressing. I needed something to liven things up. Something to partially offset the upcoming losses. Is that really so wrong?

I have not been in the mood to update primarily because I am at a loss of what to say. Two babies in the blog realm in which I traverse have lost their lives in the past week. While I am not yet a mother, this has affected me in many ways. I will admit that I have cried over these two lives that I did not personally know. I am torn up inside. I’m trying to come up with ways for me to help – not just these families but all the other families who are affected by sick, injured, and dying children of all ages.

Over the past few years, I have lost two (unintentional) pregnancies and know that tremendous feeling of loss and pain but to lose your child… that is something I would never wish upon anyone. I can’t begin to imagine the heartbreak and anguish and I wish there was something I could do for these families. My thoughts are with them and right now, that is all that matters. Updating this blog which four people read… not so much.

Rest in peace sweet, beautiful Madeline and Thalon. You will not be forgotten.