Can’t breathe without you, but I have to
When something I deem “emotionally big” is coming up, it takes up the majority of my focus which ends up getting spit up all over everyone around me. Sorry for the chunks on your shoulder.
I am starting to get some anxiety over the impending trip. So much so that I just spent a few minutes crying because I was thinking that I wouldn’t be able to have a solid evening with Potato until Friday the 13th. I was working myself into a panic of separation anxiety. I swear, I have it worse than the chick who lives in the garage’s dog. I bitch about him being whiny, clingy, and such an attention whore when really I’m worse than he is. It feels like Potato and I are breaking up. We aren’t, I know that. I’m willingly going away for two nights. That’s all. It’s the leaving that’s the problem. Being separated is generally ok but I cannot bear the goodbyes or the see ya laters. He’s become such a part of me that it’s like I’m cutting off my leg or something. Is that unhealthy? Oh who the fuck cares. I’m keeping my legs. All of ‘em.
This is the first time that I am going away on a “vacation” by myself. This will be the first time on my own for more than a few hours in two years. I need to go and try to reconnect with myself. I’m not whole and I need to make a plan on how to fix that but while I sit in this house, the same nine problems bug me and it’s hard to get off those topics.
Right now I’m feeling like the most important thing to address is the music for the trip. I’m rapidly importing old CDs into two laptops trying to build my music collection back up since I accidentally deleted all copies of my 10 year old MP3 collection a few weeks ago. I think I cried over that loss. Although going through some of these CDs, it’s making me cringe. I guess it’s not all bad that stuff got lost. I think the majority of the awesome stuff was backed up multiple times so not too much damage was done overall. Still very upsetting though.
I think tomorrow I’ll start worrying about what to pack. I need to find my GPS so that I can maybe do some geocaching or benchmarking while I’m gone. That’d be nice. Although it kind of sucks to do it alone. Oh well. I wanted to be alone so I’ll be alone. Or maybe I’ll make friends with a nice ol’ ship captain or something. Or ya know, a stoner. The latter is much more likely but really, when do I ever make friends? That requires effort and I’ve already put a good six hours of effort into this trip so far and I’ll need to drive like crazy so whatever. I am le tired.