not-quite.org

I don’t want to talk about it but it’s been rattling around for the past few days. I finally succumbed to it and cried. The reason it’s been haunting me recently is one of the doctors brought up a procedure I should think about and it is similar in a sense in that they can fuck up and I’d be awake through the whole body going through a traumatizing experience thing. Again.

I just don’t want them to put me under again. And I certainly don’t want to be stuck reliving the moment in which I officially, and literally, killed a decade long dream.

Songs of desperation
I played them for you
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream, aloud
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
Temper Trap – “Sweet Disposition”

I need to do something but the more I talk about it, the more upset I get. It’s like, the less it gets brought up the better. But of course then I get pissed off that no one is making a big deal about it because it is huge and at least one person should give a shit. There’s never any winning with me. I’m just stuck in my crisis mode, waiting on someone to get back to me so we can keep this thing from progressing any further. Nothing is really getting accomplished unless if you consider avoiding people an accomplishment.

I’m just conflicted about everything. I make no sense. I’m starting to see where they (ie: the people I always made fun of and never understood) are coming from. I feel it’s that way too. Being more specific is not something I can do right now – or maybe ever. I’m still trying to figure out if, how, and when I need to break the news to other people and kicking myself because I know how disappointed they will be. That seems to be the only thing I’ve been good at lately. I’m just a rock star in the realm of disappointment.

In other news, I’m trying to figure out exactly what I should to in regards to my education. There’s a program I’m interested in but I am not interested in taking 18 units in a semester. That’s just not going to happen – especially if I’m expected to maintain a B average. So we’ll see what happens with that. It’s hard to concentrate on anything other than the crisis right now but I have to get this shit in order by the 17th. The crisis has until the 21st so I suppose I should go with the deadline rather than the severity, right? Blah, who knows.

There is just no figuring this shit out.

I’m currently trying to learn how to be perfect. Needless to say, it’s not going very well.

It doesn’t help that I got started on a new medication that’s messing everything up. I was having stroke symptoms over the weekend. Ended up being on the phone with doctors all Saturday, in the weekend clinic on Sunday, and have two more appointments scheduled. The diagnosis was hyperventilation but since a side effect of the new med is sudden death, I have to do the doctor dash (see my primary doc to rule out a bunch of other stuff and then see my psychiatrist who prescribed the med to reevaluate things).

Going skydiving was the most incredible (and one of the most liberating) moment of my life. There are no words to accurately describe how amazing and wonderful it is.

Since my jump, my self-esteem has been plummeting faster than I was in freefall. Obviously, this was not the life altering behavior I expected after such a breath-takingly huge step outside of my comfort zone. My parachute better open soon or even better, I better learn to fly.

One of the many causes for the loss in confidence is finding out exactly why I get jealous when all the attention isn’t on me. Guess why. No, just guess. It’s because I’m so insecure with myself that I go on a powertrip in order to hide my feelings of inadequecy. And all of that, wrapped up in a neat little package manages to make me even more insecure because really, how can someone be so stupid to not realize that about themself?
So now, after a breakdown yesterday, I am going to be planning every single minute of my waking hours. Gotta get as much out of it as possible so tomorrow I will be waking up three hours early, cleaning, learning, being useful and starting a life of making myself valuable.

GOGOGOGOGOGOGO! That is all I’m hearing. I can’t relax. I have to be working. Thinking about work. Planning. Plotting. Scheming. Yeah, I just took off on Friday night for a drive and again on Saturday morning to go camping for a break from the stress. It was wonderful and much needed but here I am again, not even a week later and needing it again. There is no way in hell I can go camping every weekend even though I’d like to.

I’m trying to figure out a schedule for work, relationship, friends, and self without feeling like I’m neglecting anything or anyone but it’s not working out well so far. I’m constantly throwing mini-tantrums because I am not used to having to spend so much time on anything other than instant gratification for myself. Boohoo, first world problem I know. It’s a huge change and as we all know, change makes me want to pretty much kill myself and everyone around me. So it’s been fun. I have to make sure to call my psychiatrist tomorrow actually to mess with my meds a bit so that all the change won’t make me want to suddenly become a hermit and start collecting my feces in jars while naming them after my murder victims. Or something.

Ok, and the violins in this song are going to make me start crying. Good times. I think it’s time for me to say good night.

1. I’m so stressed that whenever I have to talk to anyone longer than three or four words, I start crying. Even Alan. This probably is somewhat related to #4.

2. I finally have my own space at this house. Granted, it is outside and without power but it’s relatively protected from sun and rain and I can string extension cords to it so I’ll take it. A nice place for me to do my painting and crafty stuff as well as get away from everyone else. Soon I’ll be able to throw an inflatable mattress out there and really be able to escape whenever I need which will be very nice. I don’t have problems with Alan at all – it’s just my anti-social behavior that acts up frequently. Even though I love most of these people, I need my alone time and space that I just don’t get during the day.

3. I’m almost at the point where I am going to give up full control over this impending cruise. There’s 6 days til we leave and I keep getting more and more anxious. There is too much shit going on with it that I don’t feel capable handling so I might just tell Alan that he’s in charge of it all. Goody.

4. I am now oodles of days late. I’ve peed on a stick with a negative result (*sigh of relief*) so I’m pretty sure it’s tied up with me messing with my birth control methods back in April. I’m going to double check all that when I get back in town if things haven’t started… uh, moving by that point.

5. I’m being given a bunch of succulents in the next few days. I’m excited because it seems these are the only plants I can keep alive. I just have the stress of having to put them in the ground before I leave. Oh well.

6. I am going to take part of a welding seminar the weekend Alan and I get back. I’ll be going from arriving back in San Jose around 5 (if all goes well) on Friday to leaving for Oakland for two days at 7 in the morning. Fun fun. I have to figure out which of my clothes are 100% natural fibers and which aren’t. I might have to go buy a special bra for the damn weekend. Apparently I need to wear natural fibers because if I wear synthetic and end up burning or setting myself on fire the synthetic makes it twice as bad so natural fibers it is.

7. My life is chaotic.

8. I finally get invited to hang out with people other than A and his friends and I can’t make it. Quite frankly I’m pissed off about this. I work my life around Alan and his family’s plans all the time so goddammit, figure out a way to give me three hours with people I grew up with.

9. I want to stab a bitch. Or twelve.

10. I can’t end a list on an odd number.

So the NuvaRing? I hate it. I haven’t even used it for 24 hours yet and I hate it. It’s not just that it costs me $105, or that it needs to be refrigerated which breaks all sorts of my privacy issues, or that it is uncomfortable no matter how we position the damn thing (yes, we. It is a two person effort). The biggest reason I hate it is because it reminds me of being raped.

Some of you will laugh at that but I’m not using rape as a punchline this time. I’m serious. Using this method of birth control is reminding me what it was like to being raped. It feels like I’m being violated and I keep crying. It is something unwanted inside of me, I don’t like it, and I want it out now.

Earlier in the week, I had asked Alan if he could go stay the night elsewhere so I could have time to myself. This morning, I begged him to stay and to not leave me alone. I feel ridiculous. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I should not be begging my boyfriend to stay because my birth control of all things is reminding me of being raped. I feel totally vulnerable, sensitive, and I am desperate to not be left alone. Alan and I are both disappointed that he had to cancel his plans but I right now I just need to feel safe. I need the flashbacks to go away. I need to be able to think about certain everyday things without having a panic attack. Sometimes I wish I could start my life over and walk out of that house the minute I could take my first step. I probably would have been better off.