not-quite.org

I’m seeing things. Hearing things. Conversing with my hallucinations when things get real bad. I have anxiety all day, every day. The only way to escape it is to sleep but I have severe anxiety about falling asleep. I’m sleeping seriously between 14-20 hours a day (closer to the higher end usually).

Doesn’t help that Potato did a serious fuck up again. That’s just more added stress on me. Trying to figure out the lesser of two evils is never something I’m very good at but let’s just say a dream has been dashed, trust has fallen, and if he does it one more time, I’m going to beat him the fuck up and make his life fall apart. Which he knows.

The good news? I’m being considered for a job I really want which will add some much needed stability to my life, and will give me some distance from my daily stressors. I also start class tomorrow so hopefully that with help as well even though the anxiety from that is overpowering.

edit I should probably also mention that I’m looking into getting a psychiatric service dog or training my own depending on what my research says.

I have a lot of things running through my teeny little brain that I want to get down on the proverbial paper known as a blog. A good deal of them contain fragments that I’d rather certain people not read. I know that minor statement will cause demands to know if they are the one I am talking about. No. I am not directly singling out any one person. I’ve been thinking about having people create an account so that they will only see the items that I’m comfortable with but then that is too much work plus not many people would create an account so here we are. An impasse.

So instead, I will bore you with happy imagery of sharing a tiny kiddie pool with some friends and all the demented conversations that occur there. A kiddie pool with a few adults in various states of sobriety quickly turns into a cesspool – both literally and figuratively. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Well, except the literal cesspool. I’m all for a tinkle free kiddie pool. We’re adults so it shouldn’t be so hard, right? Urethral sphincters for the win!

Last weekend, I went on a short trip to visit a friend’s girlfriend who I kind of became friends with in my drunken stupor. I say kind of because I didn’t remember much about her but everyone assured me that I loved her and we got along well. So I drove over 700 miles round trip for her birthday party only to discover in pure sobriety that I fucking LOVE her. I basically got adopted into her family by her and her aunt while I was there since the three of us got along so well. We laughed, we cried (really), and we laughed some more. We had light-hearted discussions, heavy conversations, and filthy jokes. It was awesome. The topper was spending over an hour in bed together before falling asleep giggling about boys and telling secrets like we were 12 again. I haven’t felt that carefree in awhile. It’s nice having a girl friend. I don’t have many of them since I usually scare them off while my misogynistic attitude and politically incorrect humor. Women are such bitches. I wish she (and her man!) lived closer but it’ll be a nice excuse to go out to my family’s old vacation area since she lives about an hour away from the lake. I love that area so much. Have you ever felt like you have finally found your soul? Well that’s how I feel whenever I go there. I loved being able to enjoy it alone this time around. It was incredible.

I’m waiting for Alan to get home from guy’s night out. Our friend T is bringing him home with the promise of a lap dance. I don’t really know how to give lap dances but he is so into me that if I just sat on his lap he’d be jerking off to that for months. Boys are so easy to please. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I never have romantic relationships with women.

G’night!

Yesterday morning I was alerted to the fact that one of our friends had used my bath towel (along with Alan’s and N’s) to clean up the flood from his massive shit blocking the toilet. I am still livid about this. If it was just one or two screw ups, I could let it go but there is a whole sequence of events which are totally not ok.

1. Is pissed off at us for “over-reacting”
2. Has not apologized even though he knows we are upset.
3. Does not admit or acknowledge that he has done anything wrong.
4. Did not fully clean up the mess – we had to finish the job.
5. Grabbed items that are used for personal cleanliness in order to clean up the gobs of poop, water, and whatever else was on the floor.
6. Flushed the toilet an additional two or more times without pausing and waiting for the water to go down thus causing the overflow.
7. Saw that the shit wasn’t going down and decided to flush again rather than plunge it (plunger is right next to the toilet).
8. Didn’t flush partway through to be gentle on the older plumbing.

The line of events does not end there, oh no. Apparently he was already pissed off and tired because he had a flat tire and waited for AAA until 4 in the morning. How is this his fault?

9. He called AAA because he’s lazy and thinks that as long as someone else can do, why should he. Then of course he had to wait for what sounds like several hours which could have been completely avoided.
10. He didn’t have a tire iron in his car because he didn’t think he would need it.
11. His tires were under inflated making them more susceptible to popping.

So of course it is not his fault that the toilet overflowed. It is AAA’s fault for not getting there fast enough even though it’s his own laziness which caused the flat tire to begin with. It’s all because of them that he was tired, pissed off, and impatient. Stupid AAA. I guess I should send them the bill, huh? *rolls eyes*

However, I am pleased that Alan is with me on how gross and wrong this whole thing is. He decided (on his own!) to avoid M until he apologizes or at least acknowledges that he screwed up. I wish it didn’t have to come to this put enough is enough. This is the third of fourth time he’s completely violated the bathroom at this house, and like the fifth or sixth (seventh or eighth?) time violating private bathrooms in the past two years alone. Come on kid, it’s waaaaaaaaay past time to grow up, for fucks sake. Accountability. Be a big boy and own up to your mistakes.

ARGH!

Typically I have a difficult time getting myself to leave the house for one reason or another. I don’t have enough money to do anything, such and such is boring, or whatever so Alan has to come up with things for me to do that will interest me. When we were in Vegas, I wanted to go to the zoo. For whatever reason, we were unable to do so which prompted Alan to ask if I wanted to go to the zoo this weekend. I, of course, became excited and showed of my resemblance to kangaroos. Unfortunately, the weather was kind of sucky so we decided to go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium instead.

We first stopped to have lunch and buy a present for his mom for Mother’s Day. While walking to the aquarium, we were stopped by a weird guy who told me he loved my smile as he handed me a sticker that said the same thing. That made my day right there. So Alan wasn’t left out, the guy gave Alan a sticker of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes.

Once inside, we were overcome with the realization that most parents do not give a fuck about their kids or teaching their kids manners, how to be polite, etc. This is really not okay. I have never seen so many obnoxious, unsupervised miscreants. I understand that kids are self-centered creatures and all that jazz but there is a total lack of parenting going on.

On a similar note, after we got back in town there was a small ’80s sedan driving about 45mph with four or five children in the backseat made for three. All of them were obviously not wearing seat belts, they were crawling all over the place, psuhing and wrestling, facing backwards to write on the windows. The two adults in the front seat weren’t even looking back or acknowledging anything going on. I’m sorry, but these kinds of parents I want to smack upside the head, sterilize them, and take all their kids away. You are doing no one – especially YOUR CHILDREN any good.

Back to the aquarium… (and here is where I lost my will to type a summary so I leave you with a link to pictures!

When we got home, apparently all the fish made me want one because I convinced Alan to let me bring home a new Betta. His name is Atlas and is a nice gradient from black to dark blue, to royal blue, to turquoise. He is as flamboyantly gay as a fish can get and he is the best Betta ever, seriously.

Apparently the house is taking in yet another temporarily homeless individual. I am nothing less than pissed the fuck off and upset.

I was more than okay with V coming to live on the couch for awhile because of the bitch move by the chick in the garage. He is no trouble to have around, helps out, is clean, quiet, and plus I love him dearly. He’s like my brother so of course I was okay with and excited about him moving in. Sure it is stressful having another person to share the bathroom with but somehow it works most of the time.

This new guy… yeah. He’s a friend in the sense that he is more than an acquaintance. We went to Vegas with him last year and some of the boys used to play poker with him regularly. There was some drama a few months ago between one of the roomies and him and last I heard that wasn’t straightened out. Potato said he’s not really friends with this guy. I know I’m not friends with this guy. He is homeless because he got kicked out of two houses recently and has no other option other than living in his car. What I was told is he will be living in the backyard in a tent. He doesn’t have a legit job – he plays poker and sells weed. Obviously I am not thrilled or even okay with this. I told Potato that this dude has to share E’s bathroom because there is not way in hell that the main bathroom can have another abuser. Since he is mostly E’s friend, E gets to deal with the consequences of having him here. Potato agreed. If that shit is not followed through with, I am going to go on a murderous rampage. The main bathroom cannot take on another person. There is no way. I already got a UTI from having to hold my urine until the bathroom was free – I am not going to do it again.

When something I deem “emotionally big” is coming up, it takes up the majority of my focus which ends up getting spit up all over everyone around me. Sorry for the chunks on your shoulder.

I am starting to get some anxiety over the impending trip. So much so that I just spent a few minutes crying because I was thinking that I wouldn’t be able to have a solid evening with Potato until Friday the 13th. I was working myself into a panic of separation anxiety. I swear, I have it worse than the chick who lives in the garage’s dog. I bitch about him being whiny, clingy, and such an attention whore when really I’m worse than he is. It feels like Potato and I are breaking up. We aren’t, I know that. I’m willingly going away for two nights. That’s all. It’s the leaving that’s the problem. Being separated is generally ok but I cannot bear the goodbyes or the see ya laters. He’s become such a part of me that it’s like I’m cutting off my leg or something. Is that unhealthy? Oh who the fuck cares. I’m keeping my legs. All of ‘em.

This is the first time that I am going away on a “vacation” by myself. This will be the first time on my own for more than a few hours in two years. I need to go and try to reconnect with myself. I’m not whole and I need to make a plan on how to fix that but while I sit in this house, the same nine problems bug me and it’s hard to get off those topics.

Right now I’m feeling like the most important thing to address is the music for the trip. I’m rapidly importing old CDs into two laptops trying to build my music collection back up since I accidentally deleted all copies of my 10 year old MP3 collection a few weeks ago. I think I cried over that loss. Although going through some of these CDs, it’s making me cringe. I guess it’s not all bad that stuff got lost. I think the majority of the awesome stuff was backed up multiple times so not too much damage was done overall. Still very upsetting though.

I think tomorrow I’ll start worrying about what to pack. I need to find my GPS so that I can maybe do some geocaching or benchmarking while I’m gone. That’d be nice. Although it kind of sucks to do it alone. Oh well. I wanted to be alone so I’ll be alone. Or maybe I’ll make friends with a nice ol’ ship captain or something. Or ya know, a stoner. The latter is much more likely but really, when do I ever make friends? That requires effort and I’ve already put a good six hours of effort into this trip so far and I’ll need to drive like crazy so whatever. I am le tired.

With my classes, it had pretty much been decided that while I will not stop doing the work for the physiological psych class, I will not stress myself out trying to get a good grade. It’s becoming very clear that I do not have the proper education background to tackle that right now. I am going to do the best that I can do without putting myself into panic attacks or tantrums. In regards to my social psych class, I’m so relieved – I was able to get one class done for the week. I was the first one to answer the mandatory discussion question so that gave me an extra boost of smarty self-esteem points. I love it.

I was planning on doing my mini-vacation around the 12th-14th but that would interfere with my midterms so Potato went ahead and booked my hotels for me earlier in the week. Unfortunately, neither of us were really thinking at the time so anyway, come to find out, I will be somewhere between the Oregon border and Ukiah on our anniversary. I tried to get him to come with me and said I would take my trip another time but he’s refusing since his work has some weird stuff going on that week. I started crying about it because it’s a big deal to me but Potato is his typical self – stoic, extremely reassuring and saying that we’ll just celebrate it a few days early and it will be alright. I’m just really bummed that I won’t be with the man I love on our second anniversary. It’s hard for the hopeless romantic side of me to take. It’ll be ok out though – we’ll make it work. We always do.

As Potato hinted at on his comment to my post last night, I have been having some insane dreams which started about the same time I was put on the new medication for my back. Unfortunately I really don’t remember most of them. I do happen to mumble a lot of inane things to Potato during the night regarding the dreams so at least I get to remember those. I’ve also been beating him in my sleep which luckily doesn’t hurt him since I mainly attack him with pillows.

Some of the lovely things I’ve mumbled:
- Something about aluminum blowjobs.
- “You’re grating oranges on my breasts, please stop.”
- “Baby? Are we in South Dakota?”
- “I hope the fake monkeys are easier to rescue than the real monkeys.”

Some of the random dreams:
- A really weird thing involving a tangerine rabbit who was larger than our dog who liked to go to the beach.
- We had a bunch of pets that were really human toes on leashes.

There was a really odd dream that I had last night about water, huge man eating turtles, and old decaying ladies who were still alive. There was a bunch of sewage in the water, and the Sierra Club was having a fit declaring that the water was actually safe, and lots of little kids going down huge ten story tall water slides into the sewage water. It was extremely weird and unnerving. I woke up really disoriented.

The dreams haven’t really been scary per se, but it is definitely weird to be beating the man I love while sleeping and saying really obscure things that don’t seem to have any relevance to anything. Hopefully it’ll calm down soon and I won’t end up giving Potato a black eye or anything.

You’ll have to excuse these pictures. I was already heavily intoxicated before we arrived to the game – thanks to a lovely little thing called a Sharkarita at Peggy Sue’s that had more alcohol than your local bar combined (oh sweet geezus, the booze!). I am way too into hockey to take pictures as it’s going on so the pictures are kind of.. umm, odd? Unless if a fight breaks out then you bet your ass I’m taking pictures of it. Unfortunately it was a relatively quiet evening despite the awesome score (7-1 Sharks, yeah baby!) so no pictures of fights. You do get to see me in me drunken, sweaty glory though. I was loud and obnoxious because that is the only way to be when you are a shy, anti-social person who has a major thing for licking all the Sharks players. Yep yep.

Potato had never been before and he is not really into hockey. It’s sad. I had to be loud and obnoxious for the both of us. Dude wouldn’t even do the jaws crap. He only half hearted clapped too. And he was making fun of everything. What the hell!? You don’t diss the Sharks while on their turf. Pssssht.

And I am just now realizing that my glasses totally need to be fixed. My dog made them crooked again. That silly little pooper….