not-quite.org

In my quest for perfection I have stumbled across the “why don’t you make lists in an effort to procrastinate but really get some things accomplished without realizing it” way of things. It’s fucking brilliant! I’m becoming more efficient as time goes on. I knew that spending so much time with The Russian was a good thing.

Basically it all comes down to is figuring me out in a roundabout way. Some say it’s the more direct approach but I’ve always been the contrary one. I read a lot of blogs (duh) and I came across a post on Chookoolonks about writing your goals down in prophecy form. This post made me wander her site a bit. Some other awesome posts are about finding what you love and “putting love, goals, and journaling together”. These posts have led to some minor research and have landed me at some more great websites with inspirational ideas. All of which is helping me pull my shit together in one way or another.

I have updated my life list over at jakapi as a result of this whole whatever you want to call it. I’ll also be updating with other pages soon.

I am fairly certain that the majority of the people who know me know that I have a very difficult time determining appropriate anger and inappropriate anger. Typically I can figure it out given several hours or longer to think it over but that is generally after I blow up in a semi-public manner. Obviously that is not a mature or effective way to handle things.

I currently am experiencing some inappropriate anger (Potato helped me figure that out) and am wanting to do what I normally do about it. Since I am trying very hard to better myself in many ways, I am resisting the urge to yell about it, write passive aggressive notes, or stomp around the house throwing out terms like cunt, whore, fucking dipshit, etc. So I have a lot of restless energy and feel like I will punch or stab whoever dares to piss me off next. Not good. I need to learn ways to let out my (inappropriate) anger that does not offend others. Apparently people think I’m kind of a bitch because of that. Who knew?

Anyway, the list that Potato and I put together of things that I need to work on and/or overcome is several pages long, with many subcategories and examples of negative behavior or things to change. Each example has a points value assigned to it based upon level of difficulty. Whenever I feel I have acheived or overcome that specific item, I discuss it with Potato and we determine whether or not I have actually met that goal. If I have, the item gets crossed off and the points are added to my points bank. I can redeem them at any time assuming I have met the minimum number of points needed for whatever prize I want. Yes, in a way it is bribery but the main focus of it (besides teaching me better life or interpersonal relationship skills) is a way for me to earn self-esteem by having it written in front of me that I have accomplished this one thing. It’s something for me to look at, focus on, and tell myself that, “Hey, I am doing something. I can do this. I am not a complete failure.”

I’m sure this whole thing seems ridiculous to most people and if I were looking at it from the outside, I’m sure I would think that as well. I mean, really, who (outside of preschoolers and kindergarters) needs to learn to appropriately identify moods? Just some really crazy people, right? I frequently flirt with that way of thinking a lot but what it comes down to is I do not see significant differences between moods. Hell, I just recently was able to correctly identify that “Oh, this is my depression kicking in extra strong for the winter and not me being inappropriately sad over some insignificant thing.” In some ways I am slow but at least I’m trying.