not-quite.org

Still smiling. A little less, but it’s hanging around.

Morning:
3x Wellbutrin XL
0.5x Lexapro
2x Geodon
1x Flax Seed Oil
1x Propranalol
1x Serzone

Bedtime:
1x Glucosamine
2x Geodon
1x Topamax
1.5x Seroquel
2x Benadryl
1x Propranalol
1x Serzone
1x Atarax

As Needed:
Up to 3mg Klonopin Not doing anything anymore.

Oh, there is a house
A wonderful lover
A satisfied hole
Hope isn’t a word
A sudden said brother
And what do you care?
And I’ll take the pictures
If you stay in bed
I’ll run down the park
If you put up your head

Don’t put up your borderline
Don’t put up your borderline

Oh, there is a house
A wonderful lover
And what do you care?
Four or five years ago
I wouldn’t believe it
I wouldn’t receive it
And I’ll take the stitches
You put in my head
I’ll run down the ark
If you put up your head

Don’t put up your borderline
Don’t put up your borderline

Borderline
Borderline

It feels like I’m going to lose my mind
It feels like I’m going to lose my mind

Q: What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A: Patience, direction, and money.

Potato: You are a wonderful friend, you help people impulsively
Potato: if that makes you feel stupid, I’m sorry, but it’s still a virtue, and is a great thing

I have a problem. I have a soft spot of fuzzy critters.

I adopted two baby rats over the weekend. Two of 65 babies that they had within a week. Poor things. (Don’t let your rats breed, you stupid fucks.) I had been thinking about getting more because the dog love of my life is quickly deteriorating and I felt that I needed to have something happy, healthy and new to pick my spirits up.

Mikey… is old. He was totally fine about a month ago. Old age had caught up to him so he was slow but he was happy, still ran around, chased squirrels, bounced around whenever I went to spend time with him. Now I’m lucky if he’ll even look at me when I walk in the door. He’s incontinent as of two weeks ago. Lethargic. Not eating. Occasionally needs to be assisted outside (supporting his hind end while he slowly walks) to go potty and then back in. His liver levels are all out of whack. Something’s eating his red blood cells. The vets are confused. No answers, just symptoms.

I started coming to terms with putting him to sleep since he was showing no signs of happiness – or even awareness of his surroundings. Then the bastard pulled a 180 and was back to his old self for a few days. He’s been fluctuating between the two for the past week or so and it’s terribly draining. I want to do what’s best for him but if he’s still having good days, I’m not sure I can say okay. I just want him to be young again. Young, and healthy, and always happy. And still with me.

Halfway into the Mikey situation, it became clear that the old rats are, in fact, old. So I’m not only looking at losing my dog who I’ve had for my entire adult life, the rough teenage years and who got me through the emotional hells of high school and abuses, but two rats as well. All this looming critter death is depressing. I needed something to liven things up. Something to partially offset the upcoming losses. Is that really so wrong?

Went on cruise. Got swine flu. Back from cruise. 12 hours after getting home, off to welding workshop. Learned to weld. Found out I love to weld. Back from welding workshop.

Too brain dead and sick to put anymore words together. Night.

So you know how I recently changed birth control methods, right? Well the biggest side effect so far is I cry. At everything. I know it might seem like I usually cry at everything but that’s only half of everything. Now it’s like everything and a half. Seriously, I read the following and started to bawl like a fucking beaten baby.

I wish I’d be a tear in your eye to roll down your cheek and end up with your lips but I never wish you’d be a tear in my eye for I would lose you every time I cry.

Oh god. Sometimes I hate having a vagina. I hate having synthetic estrogen screwing with me. I hate being a weepy broad.

But seriously, isn’t that the most beautifully depressing thing you’ve ever read?

Oh god. I’m doing it again. My body is possessed. Help me!

Edit I’m done. I can’t stop crying.

For the past three days, I have had a gardening fetish or something. We’ve purchased 16,000 individual seeds and a few plants. That is in addition to the several hundred seeds I already have here to plant. After I get two or three Escallonia hedges to plant, I am to be totally cut off. The hedges are necessary, I swear. They need to cover the fence with the graffiti on it. Grafitti is icky and I hate that ugly peach colored fence anyway.

My dad’s bringing down his roto-tiller this week to help me tear up a portion of the front and back yards. After all the weeds have been removed, the soil tilled, and the plants & seeds planted I should be able to relax. Until I need to weed the back garden which I really need to stay on top of this time. *attacks the yard with shiny pointy things*

I still need to buy one or two bonsai pots so I can repot my succulents. Buying new pots doesn’t fall under the cut off rule does it? The pots are for inside and the seeds and plants are for outside, so I should be good, right? …Right?

*crickets chirping in the background*