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Went on cruise. Got swine flu. Back from cruise. 12 hours after getting home, off to welding workshop. Learned to weld. Found out I love to weld. Back from welding workshop.

Too brain dead and sick to put anymore words together. Night.

FYI: if you need me, I’ll be in Mexico til Friday. Send carrier pigeons. And WiFi.

Have a good week, folks.

It’s hard to argue when
you won’t stop making sense
But my tongue still misbehaves and it
keeps digging my own grave with my

Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens

Why would I sabotage
the best thing that I have
Well, it makes it easier to know
exactly what I want with my…

Hands open and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
that your heart opens

It’s not as easy as willing it all to be right
Gotta be more than hoping it’s right
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me, tired with joy

1. I’m so stressed that whenever I have to talk to anyone longer than three or four words, I start crying. Even Alan. This probably is somewhat related to #4.

2. I finally have my own space at this house. Granted, it is outside and without power but it’s relatively protected from sun and rain and I can string extension cords to it so I’ll take it. A nice place for me to do my painting and crafty stuff as well as get away from everyone else. Soon I’ll be able to throw an inflatable mattress out there and really be able to escape whenever I need which will be very nice. I don’t have problems with Alan at all - it’s just my anti-social behavior that acts up frequently. Even though I love most of these people, I need my alone time and space that I just don’t get during the day.

3. I’m almost at the point where I am going to give up full control over this impending cruise. There’s 6 days til we leave and I keep getting more and more anxious. There is too much shit going on with it that I don’t feel capable handling so I might just tell Alan that he’s in charge of it all. Goody.

4. I am now oodles of days late. I’ve peed on a stick with a negative result (*sigh of relief*) so I’m pretty sure it’s tied up with me messing with my birth control methods back in April. I’m going to double check all that when I get back in town if things haven’t started… uh, moving by that point.

5. I’m being given a bunch of succulents in the next few days. I’m excited because it seems these are the only plants I can keep alive. I just have the stress of having to put them in the ground before I leave. Oh well.

6. I am going to take part of a welding seminar the weekend Alan and I get back. I’ll be going from arriving back in San Jose around 5 (if all goes well) on Friday to leaving for Oakland for two days at 7 in the morning. Fun fun. I have to figure out which of my clothes are 100% natural fibers and which aren’t. I might have to go buy a special bra for the damn weekend. Apparently I need to wear natural fibers because if I wear synthetic and end up burning or setting myself on fire the synthetic makes it twice as bad so natural fibers it is.

7. My life is chaotic.

8. I finally get invited to hang out with people other than A and his friends and I can’t make it. Quite frankly I’m pissed off about this. I work my life around Alan and his family’s plans all the time so goddammit, figure out a way to give me three hours with people I grew up with.

9. I want to stab a bitch. Or twelve.

10. I can’t end a list on an odd number.

Life has been relatively dull for the past week and a half. Other than the twisted right knee, sprained right foot/ankle, twisted left ankle, and weak left wrist and a slight twisted right wrist that all happened at the same time. I’m mostly better from that - I still have some pain in my right foot but that just seems to be bruised bones. All of this stemmed from excessive drinking over Memorial Day weekend. In about 15 minutes, I had downed three shots of vodka, two beers, and two mixed drinks that were about a third alcohol each. I went from fine to drunk in like 5 minutes and then from drunk to passed out on the bathroom floor in another 10. It was not my finest evening. I spent all night on the bathroom floor with the whole puking thing, violent shaking from alcohol withdrawal in the morning, etc. Not fun.

Since I went overboard on the alcohol and I tend to over worry about everything, I’m now on a sober kick for six months. When A and I first discussed it, I almost started having a panic attack over the possibility of not having alcohol for that long which really shook me up. So, sober it is. Anyway.

I’ve been painting more but haven’t finished anything since my mom’s birthday present. Learning new techniques and trying out new mediums and tools which is always exciting. I’ve also decided that I’m going to attempt to start making my own bath products. I adore them but they’re so expensive and I have to toss them out if it turns out I’m allergic to them. If I make them myself, it is a whole lot more cost effective over the long run and I’ll be able to figure out what chemicals and shiz I’m allergic to. Plus, it’s something else that’ll keep me busy.

I’m waiting for the day when my tart (a gigantic tent for me to do my art in. Art tent, get it?) will be all set up in the backyard so I can go crazy with my projects and not have everyone getting high off of the fumes or splattering paint all over the walls and furniture in the house. Just gotta finish the foundation and floor (which should be done this weekend if everything works out) and then I’ll be able to set it all up and start moving things in next week. Just in time to leave it behind for our ridiculous cruise to nowhere. Gah. Stupid people and their stupid over-reactions to things like a damn mild flu.

Every so often, I check out house listings. I’m not completely sure why but I guess part of it is because I really hate the whole seven roommate thing and would LOVE going down to one or two (specific roomies). That is a much more acceptable number.

I’m currently in love with a cute little 3/2 bungalow (one of my favorite house styles!) with a white picket fence. Big enough for two roommates, a small enough purchase price to be able to safely get away with only two roommates, in a great zip code (but not the best part of the great zip code but I’ll take what I can get). A mediocre part of a great zip code is still much better than an “ehhh…” part of East SJ. I would love to be able to walk around the block alone after dark. Fuck that, I would love to be able to even feel safe going out to my car in the damn driveway by myself after dark.

Of course nothing will happen with the cute bungalow though. So it’s all just wishful thinking - like everything else in my life pretty much.

What? Me depressed? Psht, naaaah.

It’s been forever. Sorry. I’m running in all sorts of directions lately and none of it is really interesting to anyone other than me who gets excited by a blade of grass.

For blog filler, here’s a brief rundown of a weird dream I had last night.
All the roommates and I were starring in a sci-fi movie except since I am so scared of aliens, they were replaced with miniature Mickey Mouses. There was something about running around a kitchen island to get a better look at the alien, something else about blue an white striped rocks that were located on a street called Asta that was located three miles from the beach and the only way to get there was on this space ship thing which basically was an empty, dark room with a circular hovercraft type thing and in order to keep it going you had to pull out little test tubes to make sure the mixture was correct. If it was, you could lay back and get stoned but if it wasn’t then you had to carve a perfectly symmetrical pattern on the hovercraft thing with a utility knife. There was something else about a flight of stairs that turned people into little kids but with all their adult jubbly bits so it was really creepy and weird. This flight of stairs also caused the people to start acting like crazed, rabid monkeys but as soon as they got a hold of the blue and white striped rocks it made them better. I was the only person who knew where and how to get these rocks and then when I was on a mission to get them, my car ended up getting totaled in a Mexican parking structure which was really a chop shop.

I have no idea. Feel free to analyze that if you wish. Just share the goods with me.

Robbie Williams - “Come Undone”

So unimpressed, but so in awe
Such a saint, but such a whore
So self-aware, so full of shit
So indecisive, so adamant
I’m contemplating, thinkin’ about thinkin’
It’s overrated, just get another drink and

Watch me come undone
They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I pray when I’m coming down, you’ll be asleep
If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet
Because I’m scum, and I’m your son
I come undone
I come undone

So rock ‘n’ roll, so corporate suit
So damn ugly, so damn cute
So well-trained, so animal
So need your love, so fuck you all
I’m not scared of dying, I just don’t want to
If I stop lying, I’ll just disappoint you

Come undone
They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Come undone
I pray when I’m coming down, you’ll be asleep
Come undone
If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet
Because I’m scum, and I’m your son
I come undone

So write another ballad, mix it on a Wednesday
Sell it on a Thursday buy a yacht on Saturday
It’s a love song, a love song
Do another interview, sing a bunch of lies
Tell about celebrities that I despise
And sing love songs, we sing love songs so sincere

So sincere

Come undone
They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Come undone
I pray when I’m coming down, you’ll be asleep
Come undone
The young pretend you’re in the clouds above the sea
I come undone
I am scum
Love your son
You’ve gotta love your son
Come undone
You’ve gotta love you son
Come undone

Love your son
I am scum
I am scum
I am scum
I am scum
I am scum
I am scum

The past few days, all I have wanted to do is paint. Well, paint and have sex but let’s just go with the painting part. I get frustrated when I have to stop whether it is to make dinner or to let a piece dry in between layers or whatever. I cried last night partially because I needed more green paint. Who cries over paint? I mean, really.

I’m working on two things right now - one is just because and the other is for my mom for her birthday and Mother’s Day. I finished one the other day which was going to be for my mom but then I remembered that there isn’t any blue in the kitchen so screw it. I might try to change the blue to a pastel yellow or green but that is on the back burner right now. I must finish what I’m referring to as “the more important one” before I go back to try to fix the other one.

None of this painting frenzy is helped by a sale at an art supply store. I went there yesterday and made another run over today. In total, I bought five canvases, four 200ml tubes of paint, five brushes, a palette knife, and a UV-resistant acrylic coating spray for about $50. The spray wasn’t on sale and it was like $15 so there was a good chunk of the total. I’m itching to go again tomorrow but I’m about out of cash and there is no real reason to go back other than I want more canvases (and masking fluid for my watercolors). I figure I should use what I have before I buy more but mmrrgggghhhhheerrrr (<— frustrated, grumpy noise) SALE! Oh well… not like I have anything to do with the completed stuff anyway.

So you know how I recently changed birth control methods, right? Well the biggest side effect so far is I cry. At everything. I know it might seem like I usually cry at everything but that’s only half of everything. Now it’s like everything and a half. Seriously, I read the following and started to bawl like a fucking beaten baby.

I wish I’d be a tear in your eye to roll down your cheek and end up with your lips but I never wish you’d be a tear in my eye for I would lose you every time I cry.

Oh god. Sometimes I hate having a vagina. I hate having synthetic estrogen screwing with me. I hate being a weepy broad.

But seriously, isn’t that the most beautifully depressing thing you’ve ever read?

Oh god. I’m doing it again. My body is possessed. Help me!

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