not-quite.org

Still smiling. A little less, but it’s hanging around.

I’m actually smiling. When I’m around people, I’m still tense and not wanting too interact much but with Alan and by myself (and the few other people who really get me) I’m singing, smiling, dancing, and twirling. I’m getting there slowly. And I’ll gladly take slow. As long as I am getting there.

I don’t want to talk about it but it’s been rattling around for the past few days. I finally succumbed to it and cried. The reason it’s been haunting me recently is one of the doctors brought up a procedure I should think about and it is similar in a sense in that they can fuck up and I’d be awake through the whole body going through a traumatizing experience thing. Again.

I just don’t want them to put me under again. And I certainly don’t want to be stuck reliving the moment in which I officially, and literally, killed a decade long dream.

Songs of desperation
I played them for you
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream, aloud
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
Temper Trap – “Sweet Disposition”

I’m seeing things. Hearing things. Conversing with my hallucinations when things get real bad. I have anxiety all day, every day. The only way to escape it is to sleep but I have severe anxiety about falling asleep. I’m sleeping seriously between 14-20 hours a day (closer to the higher end usually).

Doesn’t help that Potato did a serious fuck up again. That’s just more added stress on me. Trying to figure out the lesser of two evils is never something I’m very good at but let’s just say a dream has been dashed, trust has fallen, and if he does it one more time, I’m going to beat him the fuck up and make his life fall apart. Which he knows.

The good news? I’m being considered for a job I really want which will add some much needed stability to my life, and will give me some distance from my daily stressors. I also start class tomorrow so hopefully that with help as well even though the anxiety from that is overpowering.

edit I should probably also mention that I’m looking into getting a psychiatric service dog or training my own depending on what my research says.

Morning:
3x Wellbutrin XL
0.5x Lexapro
2x Geodon
1x Flax Seed Oil
1x Propranalol
1x Serzone

Bedtime:
1x Glucosamine
2x Geodon
1x Topamax
1.5x Seroquel
2x Benadryl
1x Propranalol
1x Serzone
1x Atarax

As Needed:
Up to 3mg Klonopin Not doing anything anymore.

Tonight, I want to slit my throat. Why? Because I’m so anxious about falling asleep. I don’t feel like myself, I don’t know what’s going on, I just don’t want to deal with it alll anymore.

I also had stopped showering. I managed to get myself in the tub to hose myself off at the very least this afternoon but that was a battle and the water drops felt like acid on my skin.

My heart is being squeezed within millimeters of it’s life, my chest cavity is full of cotton ball covered cement blocks, My stomach is queasy, I have gas out the ass and uterine cramps that are unexplained. Fun,

So I have not been admitted, which is good news. I’m still taking my meds, eating, and not playing in traffic so unless that happens, admission is my own choice. I’m going to give the new plan time to work and hopefully it will kick in so I don’t have to consider it again.

You can only handle so much stress per day. If your quota is taken up just living at home, you can’t handle anything else, thus an effective shut down.

I’d imagine if home were a place you could truly relax, you’d be able to cope with the outside world more effectively.

Going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning to be assessed for possible inpatient treatment. Grave disability is the term he was using.

There’s no time for me to fill out my psychiatric advanced directive and get it notarized (need my two agents to be there to sign it and they’re both at work).

I need to tell my parents but talking just puts too much pressure on me.

Goddamn, I am fucked up.

Tonight, I fell apart. I cried to Potato about my overwhelming anxiety, the daily hourly fight I have just to not cry all day. I mentioned how much it hurts and how I don’t know if I have any fight left in me.

So… I will be starting to get things in order, just in case I go to get more intensive help. Something obviously needs to be done and I’m at a loss. Maybe this will help me out.